Dear Lisi: I can’t believe I’m writing in to you, but I’m completely lost. My best friend has just totally dumped me and I have no idea why. We have literally spent every day together, walking my dog, going for coffee, hanging out, for the past five years. We both work from home, so we often just shared space and worked.
We spoke on the phone several times a day when we weren’t actually together, and we never ran out of things to talk about. We were each other’s person during the pandemic.
When we met, I was single and she had a boyfriend. They got engaged, but broke it off during COVID. We’re both single right now, though she recently met someone online. We were both out of town for the winter holidays, so we didn’t speak for about two weeks. I didn’t think anything of it because I was overseas visiting family, and she was with her entire extended family on holiday.
We got back to the city, and I called her immediately. Left a message. Texted that I was back. I didn’t hear from her. I called and texted the next day. Nothing. And again, the next day. I started to get worried. The next day I went to her house, saw that she was back from vacation, but she wasn’t home. I left a note.
It’s been two months and she has just disappeared from my life. She refuses to see me, speak with me, and just ghosts me.
What do I do?
Lost my BFF
You must be devastated. I’m so sorry. After five years of such a close friendship, you must have some mutual friends. Have you reached out to them? Perhaps they can give you some insight: Maybe she’s dumped them too, or opened up about why she’s no longer speaking with you.
I would also suggest writing her a letter. Not a text or email, but an actual letter. Drop it off at her house with something you know she loves, like flowers or coffee, or whatever. Tell her you have no idea why she’s pulled away from your friendship, that you’re hurt, and that if it is due to something you did to upset her, you would really like to know what that was, but that you’re sorry no matter what.
Get it all off your chest. If nothing else, you know you did everything you could.
FEEDBACK regarding the kid being bullied at school (Feb. 10):
Reader – “The question asked was ‘how do I help my son handle the situation?’ Your response of speaking to the parents or the school administrators is hardly adequate. The writer’s son needs to learn to assert himself. All our lives we meet people that ask us to do things we don’t want to do or are not appropriate. This case presents a real learning opportunity: the son could ask the bullying boy why he needs him to be part of his plans. You should be outlining ways to politely say ‘no’ and to defuse any challenges.”
Lisi – I agree with you that children need to learn to handle themselves. The parent who wrote the letter said that, “The problem arises when he (the son) says no.” So, he has learned how to assert himself. The trouble was in dealing with the aftermath of his assertion. Most schools have zero tolerance for bullying, so this needed to be brought to the attention of both the kid’s parents and school administrators.
FEEDBACK regarding the person who felt too lonely (Feb. 13):
Reader – “I am finding people need to continually be reminded that ‘it is OK to not be OK.’
“Accept than when a person is under the stress and uncertainty of divorce, people are going to make mistakes. The challenge is to look upon those mistakes in a positive light. It is way too easy to feel worthless and stupid.
“The positives for ‘Too Lonely’ are that she recognised that this guy was not right for her and got out of the relationship. And, she should remember that this guy found her attractive and interesting enough to want to live together.
“We need to learn to take one day at a time. We are all just human and we, unfortunately, can – and do - make mistakes.”
Lisi – Yes, we are programmed to not allow ourselves to accept when we are not OK. But as you say, it’s OK to NOT be OK.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org