Dear Ellie: I recently lost a boyfriend who I thought had cared for me. I’m very sad about this and I feel rejected. He didn’t even say why he stopped calling me.
I will never know what it was that ended it, or anything more about him that would explain things. He never once even showed me his home.
But I will be okay. I just don’t want to be hurt anymore.
Yes, you will be okay. It’s that belief in yourself that you’ve just expressed, which defines your strength.
It makes the difference between being naturally sad, but knowing that you didn’t cause his distancing.
It’s on him, from his own lack of decency and caring about another’s feelings when someone you’ve been talking to regularly doesn’t even suggest a conversation about his wanting to move on.
You didn’t see his home, but you did learn a lot of negative things about him from this parting. Most obvious, he’s weak.
That’s a character trait that lasts: The ability to cut ties, explain nothing, and run. Also, knowingly hurting someone with whom you’ve been intimate, without explanation.
Trust your own inner strength and know that you’re better off without him. You will soon be far more than just “okay.”
Unlike your last “boyfriend,” you’ve got the right stuff to move forward positively, create new connections, and recognize red flags sooner.
Dear Ellie: I’m unsure if the relationship I’m currently in is moving too fast, or is a big mistake.
I’m a widow, went on a dating app, and started to chat with a nice man, who’s divorced and living alone. After a couple of days chatting online, we exchanged phone numbers.
We met in a coffee shop on a Tuesday, we’ve been texting each other all the time since, and on that Saturday, we went for our first date.
We had dinner at a restaurant, then I invited him to see my place… we started to kiss, and boom we had sex! I’m 71, he’s 72.
He says that I’m unbelievably pretty and nice. He sent me flowers, and confessed to me that he never had such an amazing lady like me in his entire life… blah, blah.
Is it possible that a man who’s a nice guy like him can “feel” so much “love” in a speedy time? Can all those feelings be long lasting?
Well, I’m going to see how long this ‘passion’ is going to last.
On the pleasure factor alone, I say an enthusiastic, Enjoy! You’re both single, mature, with life experience, and apparent healthy sexual energy, all factors which should help you assess this man’s inner character.
“Love” is possible at any age. Still, it’s trust that takes time to assess. If the relationship is, at this stage, all about companionship and sexual pleasure, see what changes over time in this relationship, or doesn’t change.
Casually learn more about this man whom you only know from what he’s said: See his home, how he lives there, ask about his passions - fitness/sports, music, art, reading? And learn his work history.
Inquire about his marriage, divorce, adult children, grandchildren, etc. and share your own background. That’s how deeper intimacy develops.
If the relationship develops, talk about finances. A lot of facts about a person and what their attitudes and future plans are, can be learned from that discussion.
Good sex, openly-expressed love, compliments and flowers, are very alluring at any age. But trust is the bond that you most need in a later-life relationship.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the leaving of money to adult children in a will (February 7):
“I believe that when a child borrows substantial money from their parents, that amount, if not paid back, should be deducted from the amount they would normally receive in a will.
“Otherwise, the (the son in this case) would benefit financially.
“When making out your own will please be very specific as to who gets what. Until the will has been probated the locks to the parents’ residence should be changed.
“The executor should video tape and photograph every piece of property within the residence and around the exterior.
“When my husband’s family all died within six weeks, extended family (married into the family) broke into the residence and removed property. This led to a violent confrontation.”
Ellie - Though it sounds like an extreme case, those with “extremely” difficult relatives, should beware.
Ellie’s tip of the day
If a relationship ends without explanation, trust your own strength of character. It’s missing in the other person.
Send relationship questions to email@example.com.